Whole Body Joy

An update on Best Friends Forever, our third feature.

I was on “set” a few weekends ago (a lake with a crew of four). Almost dreading it, I found myself analyzing my anxious feelings about the shoot. Why? Why do I not ENJOY being on set?

An obvious answer floated to the surface. Because so much can go wrong. Regardless of your team. Technology fails. Things fall. People are imperfect. And these were just pickups without actors.

Then, once you add actors into the mix - what if I say something accidentally that offends this person I barely know? What if we never get to where we need to emotionally for the right performance and then all this money is wasted? The stakes get even higher.

Back to the pickups set. Jokes were told. Footage was obtained. It was gorgeous. I laughed, I was ON. Blood streaming, charged. But I wasn’t feeling full body joy. My chest was tight as my face laughed.

And then I realized that I haven’t felt full body joy since before I had children unless I’m at home with them around me, knowing they are safe. It’s not even an ever-present thought that prevents me letting go and having fun. It’s just a wall that was put up involuntarily when I’m away from them that just has me living in a disassociated state (a minor one). I’m unable to let go, I’m always worrying about something no. matter. what.

I saw a great video recently about early motherhood that compared it to being in a Final Destination movie. Caretakers can make a threat out of anything. Every paperclip on the ground becomes a long chained Rube Goldberg device that leads to the peril of your child - there is danger anywhere, never relax.

A few weeks ago I got news that I achieved what was - for me - my greatest professional goal. I have wanted to, for the past… 15 years or so… wanted to just be seen as an artist who could have a place at the table. Who COULD be in the discussion. I don’t even need to be in the discussion, I just wanted to be seen as … an option. I had been rejected by major festivals again and again regardless of knowing and connecting with some major players throughout my time working at Sundance. Those things aren’t connected but it made rejections feel even more personal. I kept being invited to be a mentor to filmmakers that I wanted to swap places with.

However, recently, my perspective has changed.

A few weeks ago we got notification that we were accepted into Tribeca’s Works in Progress program. We were also invited to their LA reception.

There we were, surrounded by Tribeca festival filmmakers. We were still the red headed step children (WIP) and not necessarily full fledged festival filmmakers ourselves. But you know what? I was feeling FULL BODY JOY for the first time in ages.

So much so that I was sore the next day from the amount of real smiles, grinning, guffaws I experienced the night before.

I was at the table. Finally. FINALLY. And I said this over and over that night, but if it doesn’t get better than that? If I am not accepted into any other program, by another fancy schmancy festival? I feel okay with that. I achieved this personal goal of just being thought of as an artist by the curators who hold weight - TO ME. I feel like I broke through some wall somehow and that now, more things are possible.

I know this shouldn’t and doesn’t matter to everyone. In fact, Hudson Philips has a great blog that came out today about how you should choose yourself, but these curators mean a hell of a lot to me. I spent a very small portion of my life in a dream job getting to see behind the curtain and I know how much programmers, curators, and indie film support staff care about art.

So, we’re gearing up for Tribeca’s Creators Market, I’m flying away from the family yet again for a few days. Dreading the distance, but looking forward to potentially feeling that full body joy again - in the room, considered by my peers as an artist in addition to an outside voice who pipes in from time to time about the state of indie film.

I can’t help but think that all of this has come because I decided to leave my job in distribution consulting, and rechannel all my energy into production, creation, and making. Supporting artists rather than prime them for disappointment. These things feel connected somehow. The career pivot and the fact that we really really really wanted this and worked for it in a way I never had with my other projects. In a way I didn’t know how to before.

Anyway, I buried the lede. We’re going to Tribeca with the movie we’ve been working on for 6 years. Lemme know if you’re in NY around early June. Let’s do this!

https://tribecafilm.com/festival/creatorsmarket

Missing: everyone who ever touched BFF.